I remember when I started questioning my beliefs and everything kind of fell apart. My immediate goal was to replace my theological foundation with another religion, system or something solid again.
But now several years have passed and I realize I don’t want to replace my old belief system at all. I actually do want to rebuild and reconstruct the beliefs I once held, loved and trusted.
The loss of my beliefs happened so quickly—things started disconnecting and unhooking and collapsed. But rebuilding takes much time and patience and the problem is my beliefs don’t look the same as they used to. Step 1: I look at a belief and see how it interconnects with another. Step 2: Realize they don’t fit. Step three: Put that belief down for a little while and try another. Step 4 Wait—ok I think these may fit together. Step 5 Start over with step one again.
I haven’t felt loved by God for a while. In the past I have experienced God’s love through a variety of ways…music, nature, loving others and being loved by them, reading the Bible, reading books, hearing from God, being led by God. After all God IS love.
Those things aren’t working like they always did. That probably doesn’t make sense. But it is as simple as this…
I don't know how to feel loved by someone I do not really know.
This is a rather heartbreaking thing to admit. All the while the prayer of my heart is…Teach me who You are. Show me that You love me.
I believe it will come. Thank you for being a part. I need to hear how you are doing it. I will add to Jesse’s questions in the post below. How do you know you are loved by God? How do you know who God is?
Christian Identity and the Hegemony of Mammon
2 years ago
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1 comment:
Nancy,
First of all I'm not going to answer your question. It's a question I've asked of others before, and never been satisfied with their answers. I think this is because God reveals himself, and his love to each of us uniquely. I've found that trying to emulate how others experience God or see God has been mostly frustrating, and unproductive.
As far as where to begin though I will give you my thoughts. I think you're in a very cool place, and I'd encourage you not to jump from it too quickly. Don't be scared of getting God wrong (I think we all do), and don't be scared of not having all the pieces fit together now or ever. I'd say start like a baby with a clean slate, and just look for Her everywhere, and if something looks like God just assume it is, and go on that for as long as it works, and ask Him "Is this you God?" and again remind yourself not to be afraid of getting God wrong or that God won't understand you. so basically:
Step 1: Be OK with being wrong
Step 2: Look for God
Step 3: Run with it
repeat
I don't know what to tell you about how to get to that first step though Nancy. I really think that once you let go of your fears of being correct of finding something really solid to lean on you'll begin to discover a dynamic, playful, beautiful God that you might not be able to hang your hat on, but who can join in the dance of life with you.
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